dad

to start to talk about my father is really hard. He passed away at the age of 52 when i was 27 years old. I felt really bad for my sister who hadnt even finished high school yet and was living with my mom who was totally off in left field with her psyco behavior. My sister came to live with me before his death and i think that started the problems with me and my mom. My sister thinks i really didnt want her, but it was because of my mom that i convinced her to go live with her agian. My mom was horrible to me during that time, and i could not take her behavior any more.

Getting back to my father, i have great memories of having fun at the park while he played ball, sitting at the bar stool sipping coke while he played pool and running around late at night while he drank with his friends. Do you see a pattern???

Dads drinking controlled everything. I remember walking home from school with a pit in my stomach just hoping he wouldnt come home drunk. When he came home drunk, the fighting would begin and i would hide to try to get away from it.

Was he a bad father??? not sure, i was never hit, or verbally abuse by him, that was covered quite will by my mother.

My biggest regret was my last conversation with him. We had an argument and i told him to F-off. He calmed my down and we were to meet on Monday to talk out our differences. He died on the previous Friday.

Growing up with a father who drinks and a mother who is bipolar is very difficult. You have to make a choice very young, to either follow in their footsteps or make a difference. It is only up to you. I made to choice to be different and continue to try to improve my life.

sisters

the day that i found out the my mom was pregnant with my sister i was very excited. I had 3 wishes as a child 1-to have a sister or brother, 2- to be an Aunt someday,and 3 to be in a wedding. Thanks to my cousin Buddy (god rest his sole) i was a flower girl in his wedding when i was 9 and with my mom having a baby, my other wishes were coming true.

When my sister was born, the first thing my parents did was ship me off to my grandmothers house for a week. Now let me quickly explain grandmas house, umm think of the 70's television show Sanford and Son and then triple it. She was a hoarder, yes just like the shows that are on television plus she smoked and the house had a constant cloud of smoke. How nice to breathe everyday. My reward for having a new sister was not to go and see her at the hosptial or even know what was going on, it was a skateboard and a puppy.

When I finally did get to go home and see both my mother and my new sister, i was 9 years old and at first i wasnt allowed to hold her, feed her or help my mom. I was told "you could hurt her". Then after about a year, my mom went back to work, then all of the sudden i was forced to babysit, do the dishes, clean the house and take over most of what my mother did. My dad worked midnights and my mom worked close at Mcdonalds, she did not get home until 1 or 2 in the morning and i was required to stay awake until she came home, then had to get up for school at 6 am. WTF are you kidding me. When i did fall asleep, i was scolded and grounded.

I enjoyed my sister and love her so much, i just resent how my parents let us bond. My mother has never said she was sorry for robbing me of my childhood to become a mini-mom. I will tell you more about what my mother has done with the relationship between me and my sister in future posts. It seems she is only happy when we aren't getting along and does what she can to keep us fighting.

Luckily Me and my sister have started really talking and realized that my mother was the problem with our relationship. I love having my sister back and all the talks that we have now, it is very enjoyable and i look forward to spending time with her, as long as mom stays out of it.

day one

i decided to start a blog to put my thoughts into words, not that i expect anyone to ever read this but, what the hell.

over the past 6 months i feel like i have totally screwed up everyones life. I have lost a business, lost a house, lost an much need income and feel like i have lost my sense of family.

i guess the only way to do it is to start at the beginning.

Growing up at home was no picnic, alchoholic for a father and a bi-polar mother makes for some interesting stories. How bout never having money because when dad drank the paycheck away on friday night, mom went and spent the rest of it on saturday. To make things real interesting, my parents decided to have another child after 9 years which only caused problems with me and my sister through most of my adult life.

One of my oldest memories is when i was about 6 and my parents did not wake up on Saturday morning to feed me breakfast (something the usually happened after their Friday nights) and I was trying to be a cook and almost stabbed myself trying to open a package of bacon. Then how about the time it was Christmas and i was so anxious that i opened all my presents early, then re-wrapped them before they woke up. I think I was 8 then.